my father's eyes

a big part of my job is teaching 12-14 year old's discipline. and the 15 year old in me hates it when i use the same phrases as my father. the worst part is, i don't know if i'm saying them because i now believe them or because i don't know what else to regurgitate.

"because I said so"
"instilling work ethic"
"slow as molasses"

yikes...

a kid in my class is telling me that school is completely worthless to him because the only things he cares about is drumming and skating. he could not grasp the reasons he needed to fill out a homework assignment on mathematical line slopes. the 15 year old in me agreed with him.

i feel like i was asleep most of my life. people told me what to do and i did it. i worked hard to get A's because i was supposed to. i liked challenging myself, not because i liked the work, but because i liked the small games i played in my head. (how fast can i get this done? who turned their paper in before me, and did i get a better grade then them? who holds the world record for writing down his multiplication tables? no one? I DO NOW!!)

sometime around my junior or senior year of highschool i woke up from my slumber. i woke up from my obedience of getting things done. it wasn't a grand awakening or great enlightenment. in fact, it was the opposite. my grades went down, my work ethic was shot, and i didn't care. then sometime in the last few years i've had another awakening. a realization that floating only took me so far. maybe my dad was right all along.

i highly doubt if any of this made sense. basically i needed to unleash some intense emotions after yelling at a 12 year old for over 15 minutes for having the same attitude that i am just now growing out of. it's like a dirty mirror reflecting my life.

if only i knew then what i know now...
if only i knew now what my 35 year old self will know...